New Year’s Resolutions, and everyone’s thinking about how bad the year before was blah blah and how they ate too much, or gained weight, didn’t overachieve, soooo….decided to look at what I did do before I even thought about giving myself a whole new bunch of expectations to meet and spiral into a matrix of self-deprecation.
- I learnt to stop being embarrassed-This particular one was really difficult. I’m an anxious person, and I’m an easily embarrassed person. Because of a combination of the two I worry a lot about what people think of me. I do really dumb things an awful lot, and stick my foot in everything as if the world was made of quick sand, so this particular goal was of paramount importance for me to fix. I did this in a few ways. First of all, I got a job I knew I wasn’t naturally accustomed to. I worked in a themed american bowling alley as a Server and given my natural gifted clumsiness, poor balance and awkward-as-shit demeanour knew this would be like watching a camel pulling Santa’s sleigh. I knew I would be uncomfortable for at least the first month and I’d do endless amounts of spilling things and almost killing people with my pure presence as a walking liability. However, after knocking down tray-full’s of wine glasses and a small child throwing a whole chocolate milkshake over me I learnt to take myself a hell of a lot less seriously and also realised that every one makes little mistakes. The result was 4 months of working with the nicest people on the planet and my now suave ability to carry a tray without lacerating my arm with a broken Martini glass.
- I learnt to put myself out there- This one is a natural progression from my first achievement. I’ve always been very insecure about matching up to people around me and in University when swarms of people are interning all over the show it’s easy to feel inadequate. Additionally, it’s frustrating to see people doing things you’re perfectly capable of doing and realising the only barrier is an ability to put yourself out there, when the only real risk is rejection. I did two things. I’ve always loved music. I play guitar, I play saxophone, the little less sexed up Clarinet and sing (at a contentious quality but nonetheless). I have never wanted a career in music, it is something I do for me and no one else in particular. It’s a hobby but regardless I’ve always wanted to know if I was god awful and my parents just appeased me with positive feedback or if I was acceptable at what I do. So, I booked an audition for “the voice” (laugh all you want) and when I got my audition date decided that if I was off work that day I would go and if I wasn’t off, I simply wouldn’t. Well. I got the day off, I went with an I-Pod and no real expectations had the best day ever, met so many nice people and felt amazing. Got through a few rounds (ahh yeeee) and although you won’t be seeing me on the TV any time soon I learnt to have faith in my abilities and confidence that there are experiences for me out there if I’m willing to just put myself out there.
- Sometimes you only need to ask- The second aspect I mentioned above also relates to putting yourself out there but in a different way. It’s to do with those pesky Internships. I have been to…more interviews for Internships than I care to admit. And have had next to no luck. It’s pretty disheartening, and you tell yourself it’s fine maybe there was just a massive quantity of submissions and candidates “it is London after all”. I knew people were utilising their connections and while this really bothered me I knew that I would do the same if possible. I kept remembering “all I can do is ask and they can say no” so I approached a parliamentarian I knew of and in a heartfelt way just…asked and presented what I had to offer as honestly and arrogantly as I could (tehe) and low and behold something has come from it. I don’t feel that I have cheated anyone or anything like that, regardless of the ease it happened with. I truly believe just by asking and letting someone make a decision based on the information I presented them with I gave myself a fair chance. Sometimes you only need to ask.
- A relationship is not an indicator of your self worth- I was really surprised this year. It’s final year and the discourse is of…”is he out there” or “oh no I’m final year I need to get married”. Honest to God. I was so guilty in years gone by of fixating on being a pair, idiotically really, that I forgot on developing myself to the best I can be. AND NO. I am not a proponent of “No one can love you until you learn to love yourself”. There are lovely people everywhere, hundreds, and..thousands.. I don’t feel particularly worried about this aspect which is positive. It would be nice but I’m not going to be instagram posting with a Valencia filter “#RelationshipGoals: I really want a relationship where we can act like idiots, pick each others noses and dance in traffic”. Basically moral of the story is.. You are perfectly fine on your own if that is your current status. Another person can be wonderful to have as an addition in your life but don’t have someone for the sake of it, because settling is not you preventing yourself being robbed of company, you’re robbing yourself of something totally amazing- and y’all know it’s coming your way some way or another. Wow 2015 is making me sentimental.
SO.. After realising all my growth and achievement, which everyone needs to do… what do I want? I said I’d never do new years resolutions because I’m flaky and have a severe lack of self control when it comes to carbohydrates… but
- I want to figure out the career I want for me, and not for any other reason, and plan how to get there.
- I want to surround myself with people who are on my side and not against me. Positive individuals who put more in my pot of happiness than out of it.
- I want to finally understand what the “Lacanian Real” is because I’ve read an awful lot about it and I just don’t get it.
- I want to increase my book collection by 100% and read books I don’t have to retain information from. That I read just because.
- I want to help make a difference to someone else. Even if it is just one person and they only remember one thing I say.
- I want to be renting my own flat… hopefully in London, and keep up the dream! But always remember where I came from and the interesting smells of Strangford Lough.
- I’d like to meet someone who meets the description “relatively normal male”.
- I will accept plans change and if the 7 above aspirations do not happen, not let them define me nor my happiness.
I guess this is the most self-obsessed post I’ve ever written and these are stereotypical wishes to an extent but I want to base the success of the new year on life milestones and normative matters rather than how much weight I plan on losing or buying a chanel handbag. My successes in 2014 may seem insignificant to many but to me they show I have come a long way, and if my 8 points don’t happen in one year I can copy and paste this and change the date to 2016, if I’m spared.